i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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