my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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