I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
