Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
