I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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