New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
