this just has baby written all over it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
