you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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