He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
