I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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