So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
