When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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