he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
