He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
