when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
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