Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
