Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
