Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
