people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
