i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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