Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
