I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
