Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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