Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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