I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
