there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
