guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
