I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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