You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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