just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
