I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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