She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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