things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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