this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
