why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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