Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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