Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
