I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
