the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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