A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
