Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
