i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
