I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
