What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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