All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
