umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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