Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
