I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
