So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
