My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
