drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
